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Sami_chan
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Name: ~*~Sami~*~
Location: San Diego, California, United States
Birthday: 5/12/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Medicine, Science, Girls, Japan, Technology, Vampires, Gaia, Video Games, Anime/Manga
Expertise: Ordering Starbucks drinks
Occupation: Other
Industry: Medical
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  SamiLMS1
MSN: supersquirtel@hotmail.com
ICQ:  70326425
Yahoo:  SamiLMS1
Member Since:
5/7/2003
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As some of you may or may not know, I've been saving a bit to get a new iMac. I've been thinking about it a lot, discussed it with my dad and decided I really don't need it. My laptop works perfectly fine and I can hook it up to a monitor and use it as a desktop. I've decided instead to redo my room. It feels so high school to me and really has no style. Everything is just kind of thrown together and my stuff is in pretty bad shape. The bed is slanted and my drawers are coming out of place and won't close right. I've had the same furniture all my life. My dad understands and agrees it is a good idea. Plus I figure better to get the stuff now when I have less responsibilities than when I move out. I'm going to have to do it in pieces, most likely going to get the bed first. This is most likely going to be a year long project - or at least quite a few months since I will be getting the items in pieces and slowly working it together.I've been doing a lot of looking around and found a lot of nice stuff on Ikea that isn't that expensive. Stuff that I could buy within one check (individually) so I was happy about that.This is the quilt set I'm going to get, it is from JC Penny
I really like this color combo right here. I like pink but didn't want a totally pink girly room that looks like it belongs to a thirteen year old girl. I feel like the brown balances it out and gives it a bit more of a mature look. I also like the pink with the brown because the pink offers some brightness so the room doesn't look like a cave. Here we have the bed frame I am looking at -
I have wanted to get a bigger bed but a queen would take up way too much room in my bed so I am thinking of going with the double, a bit bigger than what I have now, and putting it on the other side of my room by the window. I want to put new blinds on the windows, Target had some nice bamboo blinds that matched the chocolate color on the blankets. I was thinking I would finish it with some pink curtains, not positive on those yet. My next step would be to take my big TV out of my room. I will be without a TV for awhile but that is fine. I'll be replacing my dresser with this one here -
and then place this on top of it -
This will give me some storage space and then allow me to put a smaller TV in once I have finished the room. The TV will most likely be the last thing I get since I want to spend some time saving for that and get a nicer one. Once again, will be nice to have a nice TV once I move out anyway. Next is the computer desk. I have seen two that I am debating on but I need to do some measurements and I want to see them before deciding.
The first is this one -
It is nice looking, small, and less than $100. However, this is the other one -
This one is made to fit into a corner and made for small spaces. I do like this one more, it doesn't cost a whole lot more, and has more desk space and storage. I am just concerned about space and how far it would have to stick out of the corner. I'm going to have to take some measurements and really look at these two before I decide. I was browsing Target and nearly squealed with joy when I found this -
It goes perfect with the colors I picked and I was really excited.I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the walls. I rent so I can't paint. I posted a thread a on LUSH and I got a lot of good ideas about wall panels, using fabric, and wall decals so I'm going to look into that. All in all I'm really excited about this. I feel like I needed a change and I'm making my room feel more like my space. | | |
| I've been saying for a long time I know what I want. I want love, I want a stable financial life, I want a home, I want a nice job, and a two person family.
The problem is it has remained that way. Nice job has remained well...nice job. I have not been able to further elaborate on that.
My problem is without that all the work I'm doing feels so pointless. I get up, go to class, do my homework...but it is like I'm on autopilot. I have no real motivation, which is a real problem. It i getting harder and harder for me to force myself out of bed and go to my 9 am class. It is getting harder and harder to pick working on homework over chilling with friends. My motivation is just gone. Honestly I'm worried if I don't get it back I'll be in real trouble, and the most frustrating part is that nobody can just hand me motivation. So many people have tried to help me and I just can't seem to find what I'm looking for. Hell, I don't even know what I'm looking for. I know what I enjoy but I don't know how I am ever going to use it.
I've found since college that I enjoy psychology, quite a lot actually. What I've been thinking about most lately is either a marriage counselor or a college professor. I always wanted to teach when I was younger but I really don't want to be working with younger age kids for obvious reasons and I am way past sick of high school drama, not touching that again. And college seems like it would be so much more open, not so restricted by state standards tests and being able to talk more openly about topics like sexuality without having to sugar coat everything - I would be working with adults. I've also often thought of myself as the therapist type, I aimed a bit more towards marriage counseling just because couple dynamics and the mistakes so many people make fascinate me.
Problem is, neither of those jobs are jobs you can get fresh out of college with a Bachelors degree. They require additional schooling. Now depending on what paths they chose, by that time my sisters may or may not in school. That means my dad would be paying for three people in college. Would we even have the money for me to go to school past a 4 year degree? Would I be able to live at home that long? Or maybe I would have to settle for another job and be unhappy for a little while before going back to school. Maybe I would have to take out loans...are debts worth it in this case? I have no idea. I have a scholarship through my dad's work but I'm not sure how much money that is going to give me once I transfer, we will still probably be paying a nice chunk of change. Its hard to get scholarships because my dad makes just enough money that most of them don't consider us low income. There are a lot of scholarships out there aimed at the homosexual community but most of those are geared more towards students who were disowned by their families or have done some huge amount of activism. I still try applying for various scholarships but I've had very little luck so far. I hate to think my future may be determined by money but how am I not supposed to think that?
And beyond that, I'm not even sure that is what I want. I don't even know. Everybody looks at me like I am such a flake for not knowing. I think about it a lot, every time I take a class I see it as an opportunity to discover something that may make my future clear. I think about it a lot. It just isn't clicking for me.
Maybe I will end up one of those people who doesn't love their job but it pays the bills. But if I am going to end up like that I am getting myself the highest paying one I can find because if I'm not going to like my job I have to love the home and life I go to afterwards or I will go crazy. I like the job I have now, but I could never do this my whole life. The job I have now is great for me as a student but if my whole life all I ever amount to is a sandwich maker I'll...well I seriously would feel like a waste of space and intelligence. I could never live off my paychecks I make now.
I'm starting to think I need to make a system. I need to set some goals. First thing, I need to get a checking account. I'm thinking when I get my checks I will deposit $40 or so into my savings and the rest into checking to do with as I please. That is around $80 saved per month, close to a thousand a year. It doesn't seem like a whole lot but maybe that will help me out with school in the future if I do chose to go on past a four year. Perhaps during the holiday and summer seasons when I am making more I will put a higher amount into savings. Or maybe a better idea is to designate a certain amount, say $200, per check goes to checking to be spent or saved as I please and anything remaining goes to savings not be touched. That gives me about $100 per week if I chose to go out with my friends, purchase a new book or video game, etc. I really do need to be a lot better with my money, I spend a bit too much and am too quick to pay for other people often. Somewhere in there I will need to factor in my contribution to the car insurance, which I believe my Grandma told me would be $50. Speaking of money...how does one build credit? From what I understand, credit card companies don't want to approve you for a card until they check your credit history, but if you don't have credit history you can't get a card, but if you can't ever get a card how do you ever establish a credit score? I'm thinking I should start working on building up some credit, I'm going to have to do it eventually and probably better I do it now when I'm not in dire need of anything so when I am I will have that to fall back on.
I am seriously so lost right now.
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|  | Currently Watching
Kiddy Grade - The Peacekeeper (Vol. 1)
By Hirotaka Suzuoki, Daniel Vaughn, Brice Armstrong, Natsuko Kuwatani, Rachel Wooley, Andy Mullins, Mark Stoddard, Lane Pianta, Linda Young (II), Chris Patton, Christopher Sabat, Aaron Dismuke, Bob Carter, Grant James, Daniel Walker (III), Jeff Johnson, Michael Sinterniklaas, Wendy Powell, Jeremy Loris, Daniel Katsuk
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For Easter this year we went up to my mom's parents house in Malibu and had dinner with our cousins. I hadn't seen them in about tens years and only have two of em, ha sometimes I forget I even have cousins.
Between all of the extended family there were about five kids under the age of five. Oh my. I have to say I really felt...maybe isolated is a good word. A few times one of the adults would try to start a conversation about school or work, yet it always ended up back on the kids so I really didn't know what to talk about, I mostly was just texting away on my phone. One of my cousins was reading Hamlet and I really wanted to discuss it with her (I'm quite fond of that play) yet she was more interested in watching the young ones play with bubbles. Not that there is anything wrong with them having some interest in the children, it just seemed like that was what the whole day revolved around. I didn't feel like I learned much about any of the adults in my family, just stuff about the kids - a lot of it I could have done without. I didn't mention that I didn't want kids and wasn't all that fond of them but I didn't pretend to have any interest in any of them either.
When we went inside for dinner...oh my goodness the noise. I felt bad for the two mothers, by the time they had gotten food to all their kids most of the adults at the table were finished and one of the moms didn't even sit at the table because she had to tend to the kids table (I was grateful for seperate tables) She just seemed so exhausted. A lot of the adults were drinking and my mom mentioned that kids were the reason adults tend to drink so much - quite believable, if I had to deal with that everyday I'd want to be out of it too. Once we were eating we actually got a good conversation doing about speeding (My granddad got a speeding ticket on the way there) but was interrupted when one of the kids decided to latch onto me. I have no idea why, I hadn't paid any attention to any of them, certainly wasn't looking for their attention and he decided he liked me. Hm. So there went our good conversation, kids became the subject again. By some miracle I managed to not be asked when I was having any - I wasn't going to bring it up but if they asked I was going to tell them I didn't want them.
Now I know, to some people its worth it. I honestly don't doubt it. However, there isn't anything in life that is always worth it, circumstances and personal preferences have to be taken into account. I commend those who have the patience for such a task but its beyond me. To some, that hug would make it all worth it. Not me. Right now I work hard in school, I get good grades, I work quite a bit - all in the hopes that I can make my future as enjoyable and stable as possible. To me, it doesn't seem worth it to go through all this work to end up like that. I don't see why that startles people so much. I understand that the stresses and workload that come with school is worth it to me, and to others it isn't. There are jobs that don't require schooling and if one can succeed in life like that more power to them - it all comes down to their personal cost benefit analysis. I do what I do now so that in the future I can have a nice home, have finanical security, not have to live paycheck to paycheck and to be able to afford the nice things I like - to have a happy, peaceful, life. I know work will be stressful, most jobs are, but if I can at least go home to a house I love, not spend all my home life worried about making ends meet and feeding kids and giving baths and massive loads of laundry and noise...well then fine. I can deal with stresses of work as long as I don't have to return home to yet another warzone. For about the last eight years my sisters haven't lived here, its been mostly dad and I. I must say I love coming home to a quiet house, I like having all my space, I like being able to go into a room and have nobody else there, I like only have to do dishes once a week and still having enough, only doing laundry when I need instead of worrying about someone else have clean clothes, I like not having to fight for the tv, being able to play my music without worrying about bothering others, going out at night and not having to worry about anyone at home when I'm gone. I only have to clean the house after my sisters leave, when they aren't here everything stays neat. Contrasting that to how life used to be when I lived with my sisters, and seeing my mom anf how stressed my sisters make her...I just can't do it.
Not to mention I wouldn't be the best mom. I refuse to not work - I hate the idea of relying on someone else financially my whole life. There are too many possibilities - Supporter losing their job, divorce, accidents, death...I need to be able to support myself if the unthinkable happens. I know some women can give up their careers for their children but I just can't. To me, doing such a thing would feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm not helping anybody by just being at home, I'm not meeting new people, I wouldn't have that personal sense of accomplishment one gets by knowing they are good at their job, wouldn't have that joy in seeing my paychecks and knowing I earned all that money and I deserve it...I thrive on personal accomplishment.
I also know that personal accomplishment is different for everybody, but for me, the best sort of accomplishment comes from knowing I did a job or assignment well, getting good marks, moving up on the ladder - I suppose you could say I like instant, consistent accomplishment. I'm sure having kids is rewarding for some, just not the kind of rewarding that I prefer to strive for. I hope this doesn't sound too cocky, but I think I have a lot of potential and could put it to good use in the work force.
Yet another reason, as selfish as this sounds, I hate how much attention kids take away from your partner. I saw yesterday how the mom spend all her time tending to the kid and hardly any on her husband. I don't want that, I don't want to be pushed aside. Parents say they love their kids more than anything and quite frankly I don't like the idea of bringing another being into our relationship that I know from the start my wife would love more - and as odd as this sounds I don't want someone to push my wife to #2 in my heart. I don't want either of us to be so wrapped up in the kids or exhausted by them that our time together suffers and our intimacy fades. I'll admit, I can be very jealous, and I know now that I would be incredibly jealous of a child. Going home to my own home and having someone there who gets more attention from her than me on a daily basis would drive me crazy and depress me. I want her to be holding my hand when we walk down the street, not our child's. I want her sleeping next to me at night, not one of us gone chasing away monsters from under the bed or a child between us because there is a thunderstorm. I want to be able to spoil her without having to set aside money for kids toys and field trips and school lunches. I want to be able to pounce her in my living room and not having to worry about kids walking in or being woken up. I want to take her out at night without being worried about babysitters or what the kids will eat.
Maybe what I want isn't what others want, but hey diversity makes the world go round. If you want a child and actually have the ability to care for that child - emotionally, financially, and physically then wonderful. I'll be happy for you - maybe I won't be dying to look at baby pictures or hold it (Actually I prolly won't) but I will respect your decision and be happy for your happiness. I only ask the same - respect for the fact that I don't really like children and have my reasons for not wanting them.
Just this weekend...wow. It made me reflect even more and I really think I'm in the right mindset to make me happy in the future.
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| Meh, I can't wait to be past this time.
That odd month or so after feeling rejected, losing a relationship,
etc. Basically that time after your romantic hopes have been crushed.
That time after the initial hit where you aren't extremely
depressed...but you still feel different. That time of slightly
elevated emotional sensitivity.
I've noticed my usual patterns playing out. After something like this,
I always have the hardest time finding myself to be pretty. Not to say
I need someone else to make me feel beautiful...but for a bit, that
sting of rejection seems to make me doubt my self image. It seems so
much easier to find every flaw in me and the parts I love seem to just
fade in and out. There's always that nagging question - If I were
prettier or thinner would this have still happened? I'm sure it would,
yet that doubt still tends to linger for a bit.
I've noticed I like sleep a lot more during this emotional refractory
period. Maybe its just because its an escape, maybe because I can just
relax and let myself think, or maybe its just a little way for me to be
alone for a little bit.
My sexuality teacher yesterday was talking to me about it, she said I
seemed ok but I seem to put up a good front. Interesting that someone
who hasn't known me that long can see that. At the onset of something
like this I'll reach out for attention and let my pain show a bit
public, but after that I do tend to try to put up a front. I suppose I
don't want people worrying about me too much, I don't want them to feel
like they have to coddle me and give all their energy to me. As much as
I love my friends, no amount of time with them, though it does help,
just makes it all go away - and I doubt it does for anybody. I suppose
this putting up a front is just my way of doing my inner healing, my
way of telling the outside world they have done as much as they need
and the rest is my job to move past. And I think I'm definately to the
point now where the outside factors in my life have affected it as much
as they can and the rest is my own battle. That and the emotional
sensitivity. The fact that things that wouldn't usually hurt string
just a little more right now. Seeing couples or hearing about that is
like a little pinch, the pain doesn't linger long yet that little thing
hurts quite a bit for a quick second or two. Certain songs will have to
wait awhile to be played again.
Overall though...I mean I'm ok. I'm not crying myself to sleep. I'm not
having suicidal thoughts. My life isn't over, I don't hate love, I
don't think something is horridly wrong with me and I'm not good
enough. I'm not angry or hateful. I've never thought being angry ever
did anything but make you feel worse. People do things we won't like
but that doesn't make them bad people. Its just the situation that
really sucks.
I'm not saying this for you all to give me attention, or to say I'm
beautiful, or any of that. I just felt like writing out where I am
right now.
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| Sometimes the things you want more are exactly what you can never have.
Sometimes we really too much on what once made us happy, thinking we can never be happy without it.
Sometimes you have to really be careful not to blur the line between positive thinking and ignoring reality.
Sometimes trying to desperately hold onto something that makes us happy can make us miserable.
Sometimes we have to be selfish and take care of ourselves first.
Sometimes the most painful thing is the best thing you can do for yourself.
But too often...we forget that happiness when the hurt sets in.
Too often when something ends badly we disregard every good impact it had on our lives.
Too often we throw away good memories and disregard the lessons to be learned.
I hurt but I don't regret.
I wouldn't change this.
I still feel lucky to have gotten to experience the happiness I did.
I still feel lucky to have gotten to care for another person so much.
I
still feel lucky for the months that I looked forward to talks after
work, visits, and that closeness.
I still feel lucky that for the last
months, I gained new happy memories to fall back on when I feel hurt.
It hurts now but I'm still alive to feel it.
It hurts now but after the pain is gone, those memories will still be there.
I told you from the beginning that I knew you might hurt me and that it was still worth it to me.
I was right. | | |
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